A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Won, odnw ecahgnd 32 ot htta kitnagl are uyo eray in owh( ym im’ )elet,rt ifel ni dipues opylmecelt and ym 1ts2. It wosrt ryae file of dna eht my saw btes. A as my wsa achtp bhtradyi oghru my hturgoh rwee nto em etihcdd we a ‘mdn’oays t12s on,e ggino rgaet. Any cblminugr ouwld hmet eb horttuhoug fo hatt lal ay,re ywa nad eth yb eht hitw pseeertbm kwno i moec ilttel ti t’olunwd fridsne i owdn did. Us ttah riedc fo kmae orrw,y or fro oschk uoy, ve’i tbu teh uyo n’otd tmghi u,estp enugoh hbot. Atth htaw you oeeplp onk,w someetims to i wnat all dna esem ethy tna’er. So taps ew rofm aery ttha we my aselier ouy tsju os many htta rae fo inutl 2ts1 dn’dti ear het onstytcnla oundra lpopee litlet anroes ahtt it knhit ehter er,losfu are. I losa that i depprod bameec nyileetsn uto aiilcsud aeutdrag dan ’itndd ryea,. Up bale nwko ilve yoa…g and hwti gto despilp i my i snmeooe itouhtw edn utb who toin ovel tno i a eilf rfo ddn’ti odfnwnue orghhut ot uwlod nbeig it hwo. Uor tihmellc. Dowul enhdgac me, girneytehv ifel seh oyu cepresptiev w,rodl on hse’ hmi and ni evol hsit ustj ahtt rihgt ym yplleemotc si. .
1:2 inu i dna in wiht rtgdauaing eyra went idd ,me dadetaugr ffo up end cbka 2203 i hthgou in ym afret jlyu aery a s1t2 a i. Droup be wdlou oyu so. Ma os uodrp i. Wsa nad fo my otnsdresaiti nglilsueocn ibeng ot dna tcpopeenri hte a n,o up i meneticeavh no a off :) ,etda ended ym ts’i tisfr sgebgit efw msakr.
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Bset a utb irde, odniicse eth lticlh,em is’t i uto up vligni thwi neded dan vnigmo bene vere. A my lto swa eht dna rtu,h nda ided it ildedm dagdnar htgir fo kscho in tasl igiwntr ra,ye ettrsinoadsi it a. Mih etll wihs oyu mih tuo taht uyo lal eocm nda naayyw t,retel ho,me loctu’dn of nito i ta ot stiiv utb og ot lucdo yuo trfea eh rtwoe og a after a tosmhn i ese olucep uyo ahd okcnwldo, adn. Kcab rsunivee ,iwll) ’ndot elfe hte onwk yruo i( sha abd oyu os.
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I ghints ertseh i ahtt swhi eltl lcuod you. Prudo i fo uyo keli am woh. Teh i eyars asw fo lerat 4 i rnidke ohw uoy satdeni hwsi ot emontm ni. I ma i oriespm yu,o but henilga. Ma evha i adn eorslfu ofmr leik, ahle drbboe am rspat to feslmy i fo hseto su eevr tath was ndo’t rdiwna eirnn irongkw ildhc ebn,e fylsem ew idrkne i to elah htna bnegi to on uro. Am oudfn eephwns uebcase i’d atr’ne as pgmoni ibt well we a own, ignitrw afret rthidyba nda on inggo tlielt a ngthis htsi as ye(s 4 r!l!t)eet, hnepwse ew pdeehl erhrbot oryu runlrctye nda inscee rghit 31th uot nda hvea i uor m’i. Gwniokr am ttah no inmeohtgs i is ubt. Uhrt ihts i am no ew omnraye hatt nd’ot leef dusrinaebo so kinrowg. Ont ihtw ot si htey it u,s ehort fo deal lepesop our napitexectso rsbnpiieslotyi ear nto osur ot dlho. A hatt lot ory’ue goihndl i dna of onwk. Htgnis ’tsi gntelli ot hoste uoy yaok dwon tpu m’i. Yuo yoka ’tsi pinpditosa ot elpope vole. Sti’ lfi,e irhte otn tis’ ousry eaubces. Uryo no ouy usodhl treey’h ebcause htwa esel nda ogidn usnltdo’h nto eht ahs ilef ellt noe to ouy be aiyaccpt vligni. To taht hyet sswientse trleiya ceeoiascssr gniod to o’ruey wtah oyur all era rea. Mrestat ongithn me. Peaphned, vhae het ti it vreuinse dwoul veha illw rouy fi kacb, dlv’osehu. ’nhatev i orgtuhh yufll srtif esdisionc omirpse uoy ayn dan i iowttuh ttha rtaa(p it hllcitem rmfo meda hkiintgn. . Tgihf )lv?eo caues nac hwo. Lal llu’yo wonk lerett yieartpfxhed whti otu of eb aoymnds su teh no isht dsrenif bneig i of tno. Itsh ni oyu cfeor ’ctan feli btu sgnhit. But not’d us, trheo orf ont kwon odgo ahec fro yeth try’hee weer nto dogo ti teyh. Eewr oyu so fo enigv dereeicv yuo eovl idrhfipsen hnat rae umch dan trtbee era tyep eth and oemr ahwt uoy nda wrtoh cuhm os. Hyte swa hwtouit nephsidfir iegnb ducol ti na na newh ot cheso apiyrstlneo iwsh is doflelow ohret bleadm i eht oot i uct tawh het ckaatt ot our sthngi ti yoru ocem ,tou ot asy us den eecuabs ods,myan chiwh( )em tub aarwwdk no to nda teyh ear dne nhet aeldwol. Keil utb het uvo’ye eth hiwt uoy is not era uyo lla eardett ev’tyeh of dr,wlo neno batou nhew tosl dan nitikgnh ueyor’ tsnsesain eusbaec rea epopel rohtw wthro. Teh dyas espdn ,uoy fo ftueur ni igbne us ym i dtnien esmfly, to nda rtyhwo.
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Ry,sor ’im.
Foiegvr esalpe ,em.
Natkh oy,u.
Uoy i ovle.
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Lvoe,.
X dol aeyr em 23.

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