a letter from September 5th, 2024

Dear Alayna,
I keep thinking about a suicide attempt that I haven't committed yet. I imagine it. I imagine myself on the floor--overdose. And I imagine myself doing all the steps.
I imagine selling all my belongings, and being nonchalant about it. I imagine collecting all the money, and then sending it to my mom.
The worst part is imagine myself waking up in the hospital.
I am not suicidal. A suicidal person wouldn't think of that. If I were really suicidal, I'd think of suicide as the end. The end of my life. No more me.
But... I imagine a break, and I imagine an excuse, and I imagine attention. 
But even though I'm not actually suicidal, I still have thoughts of undeniable ideation. Over and over again. 
Am I just weak this way? Mentally?
I'm so sick. I'm so sick. I'm so sick.
It's some form of self-torture. Some form of pain that I inflict on myself. I don't want to be alive--but, wait, yes I do? I do, I do, I do. 
I've asked myself this before, why do I act like I'm trying to convince myself? 
...
Anyways. You should really play Lego City Undercover again, just because hehe. Oh, and also--I'm so curious. Is the MySims Switch game good??