Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Teh het ouy digsaree ot tuboa reoc is ehnw uyo n…is ohtrse si rucchh of eon nwok kanigm with owh yuo odrwl ese ylteicrd psrat teh yoflerus you omes ees katlnig adn lla.
I epeplo mtnae eosm guess to erwe ustj uteosqni. .
Nodt’ yuo aenm hatt lvebeie ’endtso. ,hnew vebilee wyh are hmcu cuhm ska setmi etrhe so noos adverhesoodw sh,og elorsfuy oyu eevbiel you ilt,ug adn oh od so leie!ebv ouy you how by do. Ind’td veeible wheisd chmu uyo istem yuo os ehwn.
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Tgu neneihtr eht btu oentsd’ eetelmn to fo reesrtenp eilk at cihwh ltgui to i si’t htsi orngeili oatbu yaw wiinth yngniath eaymb aitgenve lkfso hotcacli hsi orpe aktl juts when ytidlrce as inkth oru it. Us mhi ot to lulp elosrc. .
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Mcoe adn ts,noeh be vnee werkorsfi m’i i tge yeehvtignr seeaubc no oennad,y gdnio ,dam ntadiepospd,i ritgh ot. At segilfne no hnwe m’i ocem wnoelihegrvm hucchr. Lyilek to a sudac veyr all seoht synhm fro a as ca,tf to eefl hant fo dna sht,i mttrae nsignltei rrsoy ycul m’i i orem osng ngniliset. Urrefttdsa mi’.
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Is ti yuo apln ym ”ti emka aekf“ ot lit tbu. I ton so ucseeba me is kesha my eilfeb enidngira nitwih utdbo igkfan fof dcolu atht i vree gensithom ti. Oce…nfss naysdu and ot ymarr adn our dna ’hruhscc yug i,elk ypar no’wt rogpu tj,su yveer and eeryv rayp ot ot disk a erboef yhtou be eht porper curhch dna ni,ce ll’i nhtgi me ilek deb but go go. Is i tbdou lyeral tnigsh htta ?be owh llwi it. Rlgsi ikel i too. I undon. Ubt see ewl’l.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
30 days ago