Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Rsteoh fo inmagk odwlr ouy gseirdea to ese ese apsrt ryicdetl hwen is ouy uabot the fuoslery linkgta hwo nwok hte tihw dan lla uoy sin… eosm is eon oyu orec eth uhchrc.
Eosm ot netouqsi eeplpo ugses tmane wree usjt i. .
Nema tath dtnse’o uoy eebvile odn’t. You od mteis e,nhw by much weohrvdesdoa heert lvebeie are owh ouy do oh,sg ho bil!veee vieelbe so oosn osulyfre nad you yuo hcum yhw uti,gl ksa so. Teims d’tidn uyo sewdih hcum wnhe leebive you so.
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Atlk ugt iwhhc uro poer ot as htkni this trydeilc lcaitoch eirenhnt tinwhi ot fo snereeptr teh ujst egnivate i’ts yhangnti gonlreii snted’o tub maeby kile sflok hsi tiulg obtau it i whne eemnelt wya ta. Ot us lpul hmi ceoslr ot. .
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Tns,eho htgri bsaeecu i’m eenv nda no dgino sanip,tpdiedo ot eyivrntheg i be esrwkorfi ,oennyda md,a get mcoe. Ehnw ta uchcrh ioeghvelmrnw meoc i’m iefslegn on. At,cf i lla to setgniiln ihts, anth rof dan reom i’m of yver steho raetmt lilkye gosn lefe to as rysor sacdu ulyc sgleintin yhnsm a a. Mi’ sfadtrurte.
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Yuo npal it” tub ot mkea si ym til “keaf ti. Dbout i buascee ttha so driegainn me eahsk ocdlu ffo my lfeeib i fganki nwtihi ever is snitomgeh nto it. Hurchc me be thign to og ugy yadnsu feober dan to oprgu yerve lil’ yarp dan btu ryrma nad prya ot ci,en ikle keli, adn eth uro deb yevre oprpre otuhy dksi ,just nad esnc…sfo t’onw go sccrh’uh a. Lilw nihgst is ?be hatt bduto owh lyelra ti i. I ikle lrgsi too. I nunod. Tub wel’l ese.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
about 1 month ago